A Burglary in Bangtao Beach - Thai Style!

In almost nine years of travel in Asia, The Nav has never been burgled. Well, on a recent visit to a friends place in Phuket this would all change !

For anyone who has been to Bangtao Beach on the West Coast of Phuket, the words "Beach Heaven" come to mind. Here is an 8 kilometre long sandy white beach – the 2nd longest on Phuket - in a crescent shaped bay, protected from the worst weather blown in from the blue Indian Ocean by headlands at both the northern end and at the southern end

The thing with Bangtao Beach is not the 4 and 5 star resorts backing onto the water, it’s not the sports available such as jet skiing and water-skiing and horse-riding and golf and tennis and cycling amongst others. What really strikes The Nav about the place is that if you stay with friends there, they see you as a bank ATM for betting purposes – constantly handing over 50 baht bank notes - as you get taken to the sporting cleaners by these regular residents regularly practicing these available sports rigorously and religiously

On a recent long week-end holiday visit to this locale to stay with friends at their new villa, The Nav was literally taken to petty cash financial armageddon over the course of 4 days by the villa’s owners and their two lovely but street-wise children James and Jennifer. These artful dodger adolescents are referred to here as the “burgling beagles” by the writer of this depressing account of ‘a bet too far’

Some examples of The Nav’s financial losses ? The morning of his arrival, he was “invited” to enjoy an easy game of ping pong in the villa’s garage. 30 minutes later - sweat glistening in his groin, lungs desperate for oxygen, water for rehydration cannily unavailable behind the high secure villa walls – and what was the game score? ‘Mrs Sai Taan Villas #1 Owner’ four games, The Nav nil. Interestingly although The Nav didn’t notice it until much later, the villa’s ping pong table was set up outside so that rogue ping pong balls would roll down the driveway and out towards the four lane Thai back road just outside the front gate; with “Mrs Sai Taan Villa #1 Owner” yelling a la Forrest Gump - "Run Nav, Run!" when he went to retrieve a rogue ping pong ball – constantly targeted by local vehicles, elephants, and the like

The same day a round of golf at the ‘Laguna Phuket Golf Club’, which gently undulates around the stunning ‘Bangtao Banyan Tree Resort’. The Nav teamed up with his fellow guest and new Irish mate "George" - aka "George" - against ‘Mr & Mrs Sai Taan Villas #1 Owners’ in an 18 hole match-play round of golf. Final score 7 and 6 - an absolute shellacking (The Nav's Ed Note : In golf match-play, best ball lowest score for each team after applying handicaps wins the hole. ‘7 and 6’ means 7 holes won with 6 holes left to play. Termed "a thrashing" in any other sport)

Then later, when these same host Dad and Mum were tired and exhausted, they set their little “burgling beagles” onto The Nav and “George”. Pool lilo races, under water breathe holding swimming races, marathon ping pong matches - best of 15 games - your writer constantly a loser and looking like a dessicated prune after a day of sporting endeavours with this "Band of Bangtao Burglers". The kids later slurping on delicious Italian gelato ice cream – bought at the local Bangtao shopping center down the road and paid for from the illicit sports gambling winnings from their guest ‘Uncles’ – ie. The Nav and "George”

But the pain did not end there. Oh no it did not end there. After days of coercing and pestering by the little “burgling beagles”, The Nav, his mate “George”, and a wisened ‘Mr Sai Taan Villa #1 Owner’ were all dragged to the magnificent ‘Laguna Beach Resort’ swimming pool nestled right down on Bangtao Beach itself. Your writer was ‘softened up’ by Dad and the “beagles” with timed runs down the exciting water slide – more baht lost – a lazy swim around the catacombs inside the pool complex, and then before you could yell “Ronny Biggs” !”, those “burgling beagles” were at it again ! Despite our very best efforts, The Nav and “George” were despatched sports-wise in water polo (lost 5 – 3), water basketball (lost 3 – 1), and water wallets (empty)

But the coup de grâce on The Nav’s financial fecundity came that evening when the little “burgling beagles” switched strategy from activity-based competition to cerebrally-based competition. Now The Nav doesn’t know about you our reader, but after a day of strenuous exercise, little nourishment, and several beers, his main physiological calling is for food then a pillow. There is little left in his bodily larder to enable mental sharpness, with the mind more a blunt, bludgeoning instrument than a rapier-like information processor. And the “beagles” knew it !

In the car on the way to dinner in Phuket Town the famous game of “Alphabet Subject” was played, where one competitor – for the whole of that evening the “beagles” made the subject choices (The Nav’s Ed Note : Enough said !) – chooses a subject and then the alphabet is cycled through where each competitor must name an article under that subject, be it a country, a capital city, or a make of car etc. Well The Nav knew this would not be his day when he was asked to name a country starting with “x” and on his next turn “q”, a mode of transport beginning with “d” and on his next turn “y”, and these amongst other intellectual conundrums he was forced to face in this his petty cash ‘End of Days’

So that was that. A long week-end, fabulous food, five star lodgings, amazing surroundings, and finally to the airport but forced to sit – on top of all the bags, wind whistling through his fingers as he held on for dear life - in the back of the Isuzu flat-back truck because The Nav was flat-broke. Those little “burgling beagles” smiling away in front in the air-conditioned, comfortable, stereophonic enclosed passenger cab – counting their winnings

The Nav’s most significant piece of advice about this chapter on petty cash financial armageddon ? If you visit your friends in Thailand, take lots of 50 baht bank notes!

And you never, ever, ever, ever, ever stay with friends in Asia and trust them with details of your superannuation. You are merely a chip to be won and then squandered on lashings of gelato ice cream

Again The Nav is signing off. A new proponent of the cashless society. Out