Love in Asia and the Namibian Desert Pachyderms

There is an unearthly connection between love in Asia and the elephants of the Namib desert of south-west Africa. It is an affinity so utterly unfeasible that if a question re their connection was asked in a TV 'Mastermind' contest, or 'University Challenge' programme, or a 'Meet the Academics' variety show, the one constant of all answers given would be the 'fail' buzzer - again, and again, and again, and again. But The Nav has - through persistent, dogged research, often putting life and limb on the line - uncovered the answer to this most intellectually perplexing riddle. He shares the answer with you now to this written Rubic's Cube

In his chapter "Why do men date women in Asia", The Nav began to explain the 28 long steps needed to find true love in this the oriental hemisphere. Taking you our valued reader through the first 7 steps, and then signing off to focus on repeating steps 2 to 7 on another 7 occasions to enable him to eventually move on towards achieving the 15th step. The hallowed one. The electrical moment which one has yearned for. When achieved, concreted in mind and time as something never to be forgotten. A moment so seminal as too be a turning point forever in this little patch of the universe that we all call home. The moment? There can be only one - when the object of your ardor lends you her toothbrush

Because at that very moment, you come to see that you are hers - locks, stocks, and smoking barrel. Like a pedigree poodle, or a prize Angus, or a champion Norwegian Fjord horse; at once groomed and being groomed, sometimes ribbons hanging from your ears, now a real show pony. Because at this same moment you suddenly realize that you have been 'girlfriended', and your life, your time, and your silk boxers are no longer yours, but indeed they now belong to another. But you are happy about this because you have been so busy repetitively repeating steps 2 to 7, and now you've made your way to step 15, that your body and mind are so bleary and befuddled that if your girlfriend suggested you buy Manhattan Island for her, you'd probably agree

And here is the rub. The Namib Desert Elephant is a smaller sub-species - although with a similar sized trunk - of the main central African elephant family. The Namib species is specially designed to survive long periods without moisture, but slowly and surely, step by step, with a hypnotised look, swaying like an exhausted drone on drugs, make its way with its elephantine family across the 50,000 square kilometer in area Namib desert and coastal expanses, taking marathon treks between the Namib’s Kunene region, the Skeleton Coast, and the high Kabere Mountains of the interior in search of that elixir of life - water. A search so tiring in its extreme that the Namib pachyderms go through four sets of feet in their life-times, versus the usual one set of their central Africa cousins

(The Nav’s Ed Note - Only one species of elephant, Loxodonta africana, is native to Africa. Most scientists, however, now agree, that Loxodonta africana appears in two subspecies: the savanna or bush elephant (Loxodonta africana africana) and the forest elephant (Loxodonta africana cyclotis). The Namib Desert belongs to the former of these two species, although as noted as a slightly more compact version)

And this is what steps 8 to 15 become. A wonderfully exciting time, where for the first time in years you find your life fuller than before. The only thing missing being sleep. Because love is a trade off. When you have been smitten, your day to day life does not change - work doesn't stop, social lives don't go away - in fact now there are two of you it gets doubly hectic. Sports doesn't wait, family still insist on regular meetings and communications, and you still have to clean your bathroom - religiously

So at this stage in your search for true love the only thing you can sacrifice - to have time for your new girlfriend - is sleep. Your body becomes conditioned to rest less, and you find yourself taking regular 'cat naps' on buses, in taxis, at your desk, and while walking. Thus you do take on the look of a Namib Pachyderm, everything completed slower, more considered, your head drooping and ears flapping, one foot put in front of another and again another. Long long hours 'between drinks', as you struggle to survive alone, only one thing constantly on your mind - the divine 'Ms X' and where to find her. Until the moment. A slight breeze, essence of fem brought to your nostrils, your memory electrodes ignited, dilated pupils, a suddenly flicking trunk tasting the air, your stride quickens, your internal compass on auto-pilot. Then miles and miles of navigating in 'Monty the BRG Mini' later - and despite not having that GPS that you didn't buy for the Targa Tasmania - you still find her. The new elixir of your life. And then you are able to drink in her fragrance again. Calm returns

This is The Nav - cat-napping. Who needs water when you've got love