This is a question that has perplexed The Nav for 8 long years. Lets face it, finding a partner in Asia for the night can be like brushing your teeth, or clipping your toe nails, or changing channels – mindless. But deep down what we all truly deeply want is love. Not puppy love, or lust, or infatuation; but complete, heart-wrenching, gut-sucking, mind-altering love. Where you own someone and yet you are the property of your partner. The kind of love that makes you breathless, asks you to ignore buses and other on-coming traffic, where you are so totally immune to everything around you that you don’t know what day it is. But the problem with this kind of love is that to get it you need to plan and execute a mission more physically difficult than Everest, more technically infeasible at the outset than putting the LEM lunar module onto the moon, and longer in length than Tolstoy’s War & PeaceIt is this scenario that The Nav faces. How to win total love in Asia. Recently a mission presented itself which The Nav shares with you now
THE PURSUIT
Scene - A Bar in Wanchai Hong Kong
The Occasion - Post theatrical play drinks
Act 1 Scene 1 - Friends introduce The Nav to an absolutely georgeous individual, here-named Ms X. Several hours of jokes, stories, and anecdotes from The Nav later – no laughter, nor smiles, nor glistening eyes - Ms X is dragged back to the New Territories by her great friend and confidante. Again downtrodden with loss, The Nav buys another Guinness then calls it a night
Act 1 Scene 2 - Months later. Another theatre. Another show. This absolute beauty walks in with her friend. The Nav, busily blogging on his Blackberry, tries not to drop it in shock, and swallows – hard. Heart fluttering, eyes glistening, mouth dry – all the while talking to himself – he MUST find some away to say ‘Hi’, be totally casual and disinterested, but just stand next to this glorious thing all night – ogling. After several hours of buying drinks, trying to hold this divine creatures gaze, throwing every joke in his ‘play book’ at her, he wins it. Her phone number. Mission 1 of 28 accomplished
THE CIRCLING
Act 2 Scene 1 – mid-week following, The Nav at home, at once walking towards, then away from, then towards, then away from – his phone. Long minutes of hand-wringing, angst, doubt, and uncertainty. Decision made. Phone lifted, number rung, ringing, Son “Hello ?” Nav “Yes, hi, is your Mum there please?” Son “No she’s not.” Nav “Oh, ok thanks, I’ll call back later.” Son “Who is this ?!” Nav “A friend.” Son “Who ?!!” Phone quickly placed in its cradle by The Nav. Hmmm he reflected, Ms X’s got a 7 year young human Rotweiller protecting his domain. Switch to Steve McQueen in ‘The Great Escape’ mode to try to fly over the carefully laid barbed wire and also to ‘Phone Plan B’. Stay cool. Leave it for a few hours until just after bed-time and then phone back nonchalantly
Act 2 Scene 2 – “Hi, X?” Helper “No, sir, just hold the line please.” Ms X “Hello?” Nav “X, hi, it’s The Nav.” Ms X “Oh hi Nav. Look can I call you back, I’m just finishing a bed-time story for my son.” Nav “Oh, ok, sure.” Many minutes pass. Nothing. The Nav walking up the wall. Suddenly ‘Rrrrrring’. Stay cool, walk slowly to the phone, count the rings, must not sound keen, must sound cool, right. Nav “Hello?” Ms X “Hi Nav it’s X.” Nav “Oh hi X, how are you?” Ms X securely in one on one conversation with The Nav. Mission 2 of 28 accomplished
Act 2 Scene 3 – The phone conversation. Nav “So X, re the restaurant, do you have any specific food issues ? Vegan? Vegetarian? Are you immune to hotpot ?” Ms X “No no. I’m none of those. I eat anything. But come to think of it, I don’t do seafood. Oh I like shrimp, but not shell-fish. Fish is ok. But not squid. And I don’t do fried food. Love curries, anything spicy, but not into too much dairy. I’m a carnivore of course, any kind of meat – but not beef. No no, I love all food.” The Nav busily writing down many notes, rapidly mentally crossing off all but about 2 restaurants in Sai Kung Town. Restaurant Plans A and B discarded, he quickly switches to Plan C. With no Plan D in place, God help The Nav if he can’t get a booking at Plan C. He hopes and prays Mission 3 has been accomplished
Act 2 Scene 4 - Directions to her home. Ms X “Number X Sing So Wan Road. You can’t miss me. Right next to the big Sai Wai construction site.” The Nav, not sure where Sai Wai was, pushed on with his pen - again mentally cursing himself for not buying that hand-held GPS for the Targa Tasmania. Ms X again “You head up the main hill road, turn sharp left, past the ‘Glorious Gold Villa’ Estate, another 50 metres till you come to a big roundabout, and mine’s the off-white village house past the road roundabout and on the right.” Taking a breath, again writing furiously, The Nav considered his options, aware of only two things – there are virtually hundreds of road roundabouts in the New Territories in HK, and there are literally thousands of off-white village houses there as well. Nay matter. The gauntlet had been thrown down. Now how to physically locate the locale of this maiden, in the time allotted, and still make Sai Kung Town before the kitchens there close. God Bless Google Map dot com ! Directions to her home obtained, Mission 4 completed
THE EXPEDITION
Act 3 Scene 1 – Saturday afternoon, a quick call to ‘The Quarry’, The Nav stressing a wee-bit, telling the divine Ms X that he has maps, a printout from Google Map, a compass, night vision goggles, and a magnetic rock floating on a model junk in a small tub of water in the middle of his car - care of the Cantonese sea Goddess Tin Hau - to assist him in his expedition to locate the domicile of the maiden; and that The Nav plans to get on his way to the divine Ms X’s place hours before designated pick-up time. Showing her care and appreciation for his days of research and preparation, Ms X chats back “Oh I’m sure you’ll be ok. See you then. Bye!” Staring at his now silent phone, drumming index finger on thigh, The Nav’s starts to really appreciate how much work you have to do to find true love. Maiden vehicular pick-up completely confirmed, Mission 5 completed
Act 3 Scene 2 – Leaving home hours before ‘Time over target’ deadline, The Nav’s car ‘Monty’ clattering not from bad shock absorbers but from all the navigational aids sliding throughout its vehicular cabin, the expedition to find Sai Wai began. Through the HK cross-harbour tunnel, on through Kowloon, another tunnel to Shatin Town, one eye on the road and one eye on the navigational aids – The Nav snailed his way though Sha Tin, and Fo Tan – whoops, wrong way, U turn, right ear assailed by local taxi blaring horns – and finally Sai Wai. Phone calls in transit made to Ms X checking on weather conditions, wind speeds, and visibility over the target area, The Nav navigated a HK Government road construction project so big it would make the Road Authority of Thailand envious. Finally target road spotted, 'Monty' drops effortlessly into 2nd, up the hill at the speed of a yak, following pace notes provided by ‘The Quarry’, and there it was – the roundabout and a big white village house. Parking Monty and hopping out, The Nav admired a local HK driver in a big Volvo 4WD SUV negotiate her way round the inches high roundabout, completing a 14 point turn to circle it, no thought of just driving over the thing in her rough, tough, high profile, 4WD – designed specifically to conquer such places as Ben Nevis and Mount Snowdon with ease – confirming The Nav’s notion of not attempting to reach the South Pole with anyone from Canton. Target address achieved, Mission 6 completed
Act 3 Scene 3 – The stunning Ms X safely strapped up and stowed in 'Monty' who was gurgling and rumbling and chomping to scream on though the slippery streets of Shatin, The Nav locked himself in and ignited the ‘Careening British Racing Green Mini Cooper’ and then he was away. Hebe Haven Town reached in the blink of an eye. In for dinner, 'Monty' gleaming proudly in the car park, Ms X safely tucked away in a corner of the restaurant under the admiring eye of The Nav. There followed 6 hours of fine food, fine wine, and fiddlesticks. Later, after being thrown out of the restaurant to the verandah, and then banished from the verandah to the tent, the Nav commissioned 'Monty' to deliver the divine Ms X to her abode, and then go on auto-pilot to seek, search for, and successfully find home. Glorious dinner finished, Mission 7 completed
THE DAY AFTER
Act 4 Scene 1 – Waking in the morning, The Nav reflects on a successful 7 step mission. But this is a search for true love and its just isn’t that easy; you cannot go onto Step 8 until steps 2 to 7 are repeated approximately seven times. And so The Nav commenced plans for a new expedition in his search for true love. You our loyal reader will have to wait and see. Stay tuned
This is The Nav. Appetent about Love. Out
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